Life Lessons From Mom
Bauback Yeganeh, Ph.D.
This blog is a bit different. I’d like to share some of the life lessons that my mother taught me during our time together on this spinning marble in space. These lessons apply to all of us and have helped me very much throughout life. I hope they help you as well.
My mother passed away at the end of Summer in 2022. She was one of my closest friends and thinking partners. We enjoyed reflecting together about our life experiences, and we would often have “sensemaking” conversations. I believe she knew me better than anyone else and I trusted her wisdom. Though she is physically gone, I’m grateful to carry some of her teachings with me. Here are seven teachings that I strive to live by.
1. Be kind to others but not at the cost of your well-being.
My mother was the type of person who would regularly help strangers. For example, upon meeting a young woman who was putting herself through college, she took her to the mall to buy her work outfits. She dedicated her entire life to helping people. She appreciated that her sons followed in her footsteps by choosing helping professions. However, she always encouraged me to have self-respect, and to be wary of those who seek to take advantage of others, without reciprocating. Consider the people you prioritize in life and give to those who care for your well-being.
2. Calm the flame.
One of the best lessons my mother taught me is to be honest with myself regarding how I think about stressful topics. She would masterfully ask me whether or not I’m pouring fuel (via my thoughts, reactions, decisions) on the flames of stressful life topics I would share with her. She would also ask me how I could think about problems to calm the flames. Inevitably, these questions would broaden my awareness and enable me to choose intentional ways of responding to a given situation.
3. Be grateful.
My mother had a daily gratitude practice in which she reflected upon what she was thankful for. Her gratitude extended from happiness that her sons are healthy and prospering, to the animals that would visit her lake, and the flowers that she loved to nurture. She had a magical ability to transform land into fantastic gardens. She felt maternal toward her plantings, and I loved the joy she felt from her connection with nature. I’ve inherited some of this in the forms of gratitude for nature, animals, and especially music. On a deeper level, we regularly discussed how grateful we were for life aspects that are often overlooked. It’s human nature to focus on problems and ignore things that don’t require our attention. Perhaps this is why there is so much power in appreciating abilities such as sight, movement, hearing, speaking, breathing, thinking, and feeling. I encourage readers to play around with this. Gratitude can be explored on multiple levels and once you start to brainstorm, you may notice a vast number of things worthy of your appreciation. Warning: gratitude may result in feelings of stress-reduction, happiness, and optimism.
4. Be realistic & catch victim narratives.
My mother was a strong & pragmatic woman. If I vented about something that wasn’t going how I wanted, my favorite question of hers was: “which perfect world are you comparing this one to?” Upon realizing the absurdity of feeling bad that something wasn’t going exactly as I wished, my stress would ease. For thousands of years stoic philosophers asserted that life is complex, and waiting for it to be perfect in order to feel happy is akin to mental slavery. Similarly, eastern philosophers have established links between hedonistic desire and suffering. Happiness is an internal momentary state, not an external outcome. Over-focusing on things that we think will make us happy inevitably leads to suffering. A more recent version of this wisdom comes from the cognitive/behavioral and mindfulness-based psychological literature, in which people who are higher in “outcome orientation” may have difficulty with mindfulness. It makes sense. If I’m focusing on the things I want, what stops me from staying in this mindset once I obtain those things? When do I begin to appreciate what I have right now? Moreover, when do I anchor in my present-moment experience rather than fixating on the future? This is not to suggest that we should be apathetic. The goal is to be intentional in thoughts, and work hard for the things we want, without letting our happiness become contingent upon whether or not our every desire is fulfilled.
5. Take responsibility for yourself.
Along these lines, unless someone is indebted, nobody owes anyone anything in life. Treating the world as if we are owed things is a sure path to victimhood, weakness, and low resilience. My mother’s loyalty to her offspring was her choice, and I got lucky. However, she was quick to make sure that I own my life decisions because she wanted me to be strong enough to face life head-on. And life can be unfair. I got in trouble in fourth grade when a fellow student walked up to my side of the table and tried his little boy version of hitting me a few times on the chest (the nerve of that guy). That night I told my mother that it wasn’t my fault. She responded that I was still involved in an altercation which is my responsibility to avoid. At the time I didn’t like it, as these reminders can be uncomfortable. However, when she appreciated my life choices, which happened often, I knew her admiration was genuine. I’m so thankful that she taught me to rise to life’s challenges. Victimhood is ineffective. Take responsibility for who you are and what you do, and try to be the best you can be. Be your best, especially when things feel unfair, because that is when we need to be strongest for ourselves and those close to us.
6. Don't take peoples’ shortcomings personally.
This lesson is a reminder that every person has their own story and is on their own life path. We absolutely have every right to create healthy boundaries for ourselves when we experience dysfunctional behavior. However, peoples’ behaviors aren’t really about us. If they were about us, then they would only exist in relation to us. More realistically, the behaviors we dislike in others would probably occur whether or not we were in the picture because they are a part of that person’s personality and have become habitual. Remembering this can take the sting out of conflict and help us think logically about the most productive way forward. Imagine the power in choosing how peoples’ behaviors impact us. Marcus Aurelius famously said: “Be tolerant with others and strict with yourself.” The best we can do is control the controllable, and this includes how we react to others. Nobody will get this right all the time, which is why it’s a useful lesson to revisit often.
7. Balance action with reflection.
My mother advocated creating space to think critically, reflect, consider ancient wisdoms, and meditate. We regularly discussed how societies are biased toward constant action. We agreed that an extreme bias toward action can be used as a crutch, and can be a defensive mechanism used to avoid difficulty. A mindfulness adage explores this through the question: are you a human being or a human doing? We don’t learn without reflection. Make space to consider the cause-and-effect relationship of your actions, and how aligned they are or aren’t with your life vision. Iterate your life choices based on this knowledge and you will live more intentionally during our short time on Earth.
While I didn’t think I’d be writing a blog like this in the past tense about my mother so soon, I’m incredibly thankful for the privilege of being loved by a parent with so much wisdom to offer. I hope some of her lessons also benefit you.
